BEASTIO THEORIO: Exercises for Your Body, Movies for Your Mind, and Chicks for Your Eyes: Uncommon Supplies for the Supervillain II

More vitriolic than Chick-Fil-A’s ideologies, with half the carbs and twice the protein, Beastio Theorio returns with MORE uncommon supplies for the Supervillian. What do I suggest we do about this entire homophobic fast food restaurant situation? Well, I say we stay calm. I am in no way suggesting that we start a RIOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

Wants you to eat more chicken and not let the dick in

But moving on now; I would rather not think about how inane and absurd it is that an entire nation becomes offended by some opinionated words uttered by a poultry huckster. So if you didn’t catch the first post in this series, you procrastinator, you can find it HERE. As a brief precursory overview, this series vivifies the oft forgotten methods to give you the body of Bane (without the CGI), the mind of a woolgathering da Vinci, and more testosterone than the “clean” athletes in the upcoming Olympics. Everyone is tired of the rereredundant and trite suggestions of the norm. So now I present to you neglected yet effective exercises for your body, movies for your mind, and chicks for your eyes.

Putting a winter coat on him is a good way to cover up that he was only 190 lbs. for the film

Exercises

I’ve already pontificated to you the necessity of doing the big four: the squat, deadlift, bench press, and overhead press. (Haven’t seen that either, you philistine? HERE) But what about the movements that are going to assist your main four? Don’t squander your time by doing the inexplicably popularized bicep curls, leg extensions, lateral raises, and other fruitless movements. Consider adding the following into your training if you want to break plateaus and develop undiscovered muscle. (Note: I am not the tech-savvy member of Beastio Theorio. To provide visual demonstration, I will simply slap on rudimentary YouTube links like some sort of savage. I don’t know how to embed or embalm or whatever the shit it is. EDIT: I figured the shit out.)

It takes me an hour to write a blog and a week to figure out how to post it

Seated Dumbbell Cleans

The upper back and rear deltoids are integral in each major lift; they are activated on the bottom positions of both the bench and overhead press, to lockout the top of a deadlift, and to stabilize the bar on squats. Unfortunately, it is a difficult muscle area to isolate (as many back muscles are.) However, nothing hits this area quite like seated dumbbell cleans. Go light, I mean real light, about 20 lbs. dumbbells, do a proper set of 15, and I assure you that you will be sprinting across the gymfloor, clutching your upper back and cringing due to the extreme lactic acid build up.

The point is to develop muscle, so you would want to do approximately 3 sets with 12-20 reps. Simply sit on the edge of a bench, grab two dumbbells with a pronated grip, shrug your traps, and then rotate externally until your arms form a 90 degree angle at the top. Yeah, it’s a complex visual to verbalize.

Rolling Triceps Extensions

As a closegrip bencher and overhead presser, I need my triceps to be as powerful as possible. Essentially there are only three movements which are a mainstay in my triceps work: closegrip bench, pushdowns, and rolling triceps extensions.

To perform this movement, you lie down on a bench with two dumbbells (possible with a barbell also) up in full extension. Then you break at the elbow, strictly lowering the dumbbells to the side of your head. As the dumbbells reach the bottom position, you quickly roll the dumbbells behind your head and then up into full extension again. The momentum provided from the roll will allow you to handle heavier weights and develop some true triceps strength. According to Louie Simmons, the stretch provided by the roll develops the triceps head which is the primary mover in pressing.

Suitcase Deadlift

No, no, Asian man, keep reading

The core is a muscle system which should be worked like any other muscle. Doing an exorbitant amount of crunches will not provide you with the strong core you need to stabilize bigboy weights. The suitcase deadlift is an excellent movement which allows your core to handle heavy weights.

It’s simple: stand beside a loaded barbell and pick that baby up. It is also a furtively effective method to work your grip/forearms; this is essential if you deadlift double overhand (which you should for a litany of reasons.) I like to go heavy and do sets of 5 for each side. Believe me, at the top of the movement, you’re going to feel your abdominals popping and straining.

Klokov Press

This movement has become infamous amongst underground lifters ever since Dmitry Klokov released a video of himself casually putting up 110 kg (242 lbs. for the obstinate USA.) And with one look at Dmitry’s bulging back and boulder shoulders, you’ll understand what an effective muscle developer this is. At the same time, this movement truly allows you to grind out reps and is a nice pressing alternative to give your anterior deltoids a bit of a reprieve.

Technically speaking, this movement is a behind the head, snatch grip, strict press. The choice of appellation is yours.

Stiff-legged Deficit Deadlift

This movement was recommended to me by Beau Moore, previously #1 ranker Raw powerlifter in the world. You jelly?

In short, this is an excellent way for a novice lifter to develop his lagging hamstrings, glutes, and lumbar. Just getting in a stiff-legged position while standing on a deficit will give you an incredible posterior stretch. And I understand that there may be some rounding of the back in this position. But I think we need to stop being such spineless (no pun intended) pussies about back rounding. Old-school powerlifters and strongmen lifted with lumbars reminiscent of the St. Louis Gateway Arch for decades. Some still do. It’s unavoidable on such events such as the stone load. If your back is strong and you know what it is accustomed to, rounding is acceptable.

Rounding like a boss

Oh, and also, this movement will allow you to develop some explosive starting strength off the floor.

Movies

Cinema is just as effective as any other artistic medium in regards to enlightening and entertaining. However, what’s being released and touted as successes in most theaters is pneumatic and vapid drivel intended to be escapism for the masses. People these days want movies which PREVENT them from having to thinking, because they believe they do too much of that during the day (Is that so?) Therefore we have Adam Sandler churning out an endless supply of bullshit, movies about cars transforming into robots (a machine turns into another machine? Amazing), and, get this, LIVE CONCERTS BEING REPACKAGED AND SOLD AS MOVIES. Shit. Well, within this mountain of detritus, every once in a while a brilliant cinematic gem manages to form itself. And of course, usually it goes undetected and unappreciated. But no longer; the Supervillian will allow them to glimmer and gleam in their deserved glory.

Come on, man...let it go.

There Will Be Blood

If the title alone does not engage you, a bumptious promise of bloodshed, then I don’t know what will. Yes, I understand that this movie was nominated for a Best Film Oscar (which it inexplicably lost to No Country for Old Men), but I have yet to come across anyone who has actually seen it. (Of course, I generally badger them into viewing and they always have positive reviews.)

This film may just be perfect, in my opinion. The plot is magnanimous and unrelenting, the characters are powerful in their brilliance and grotesqueness, the themes are poignant and grounded.

The film is essentially the story of an indigent oil man, Daniel Plainview, and his meteoric rise to wealth and power. Alongside him are his son, H.W, and his primary antagonist, Eli, who is a corrupt evangelic pastor. The issues of power, religion, money, family are intertwined masterfully and stripped bare. The characters of Daniel and Eli are glorious in their perverseness, each stricken with a unique sickness, and clash with their disparateness throughout the film. The symbology is rich and there are even Hemingway-esque iceberg themes of impotency and alcoholism.

A callous, bibulous, homicidal, power hungry, milkshake drinking madman.

The film drips with oil (the metaphorical blood), deceit, acrimony, and madness for over two hours and finally concludes with the true bloodshed it promised.

Supervillain Rating (0 being the worst film I’ve seen/10 being the best): 9.5/10

Man on Wire

Beastio Theorio praises anyone or anything which can coalesce art and the physical body. Man on Wire chronicles highwire walker Philippe Petit’s unlawful mission to wirewalk from one of New York’s Twin Towers to the other. The task itself sounds exhilarating but to see the visual is nearly ineffable. The film is narrated by Philippe himself (who is a natural poet) as he ruminates upon the precursory planning conducted by a group of puerile, impetuous, and bright-eyed adolescents. To think that such a grandiose task was accomplished by mere teenagers is inspiring. Hopefully it will get some of these modern day lollygaggers off their (insert technological device “X”) and actually accomplish something great.

Petit's POV. Yeah.

Supervillain Rating: 8/10

Titus

A lot of people seem to have a prejudice against Shakespeare, casually tossing around epithets of “dull, dated, and disinteresting.” However, they simply seem to be basing their opinion on the innocuous high-school agenda. Romeo&Juliet, Midsummer’s Night Dream, Much Ado about Nothing, etc. are soft pieces written by Shakespeare for monetary reasons. Shakey’s tragedies are where his true talent shines. Hell, Coriolanus is the greatest play Shakey’s written that no one has heard of (T.S. Eliot goes as far as to say that it surpasses Hamlet.)

Titus Andronicus was Shakey’s earliest tragedy and it shows. While it lacks his sense of refinement that came with age, it makes up for it in unadulterated rawness, brutality, and drama. Betrayals, murders, slit throats, lopped off hands and tongues, beheadings, affairs, vengeance, all are provided in a hearty helping.

The film adaptation by Julie Taymor is a well-executed mash-up of modernity and the Shakespearean era. Also, the lead character of Titus is played by Anthony Hopkins. And sure enough, he performs the role with a twisted and brilliant aberration.

Supervillain Rating: 7.5/10

The Entirety of The Marx Brother’s Filmography

I don’t want to get on an unstoppable role of praise and adoration for The Marx Brothers, because I will. So I’ll keep it brief. The Marx Brothers are the greatest comedy act that has ever lived and there is no competition. Their material is an ideal amalgam of absurdity, ribaldry, intellectualism, wit, punning, and cleverness. If ever there were an act that greatly influenced my comedic writing style, it’s these guys.

What’s great about The Marx Brothers is that their only intent is comedy; forget plot or congruity or substance. They will have you belly-laughing with every joke and that’s all you can ask for from a comedy. What allows this quartet to work so well is that each member plays his role perfectly. Chico Marx is the slick and swindling facetious foreigner. Harpo Marx is the mute woman chaser and seeker of chaos. Groucho Marx, the most famous Marx, is the wise-cracking, insulting, quick-witted leader. And Zeppo Marx is the compulsory straight man.

Enough talk. Just experience them for yourselves.

Supervillain Rating: 10/10

Noroi: The Curse

Everyone loves a good horror film. The only issue is that there are so few horror films worth watching. So we’ll travel overseas to the nation of Japan, from where the US purloins most of its horror film ideas and manages to make them substandard in the translation process. Most successful American horror films (The Ring, The Grudge, One Missed Call) are adaptations of higher quality Japanese films.

Noroi is a documentary style horror film. While that may sound hackneyed at this point, Noroi provides believable acting, an overwhelming feeling of eeriness, frightening visuals, and a filmmaker who keeps delving deeper and deeper into a wicked and disturbing curse.

Supervillain Rating: 8/10

Chicks

You know the deal. These are females who deserve more eyes upon them and greater appreciation for the manner they’ve put themselves together. No pornography though, because I enjoy watching you squirm and being forced to activate your imagination. Less talking, more oogling.

Bianca Beauchamp