What? Too much?
Well, “Too Much” is the Supervillain’s nickname.
Okay, enough Russian doll
tomfoolery. Chances are that the reader
of this blog desires a few things: to have a Herculean body, to possess a mind
turgid like a bobblehead, and to have their testosterone spiked by sultry and
comely chicks.
(By the way, I realize that Beastio Theorio is slowly beginning to
estrange the female demographics. Well,
frankly, my dears, losing the female demographic is fairly wont as soon as
matters become interesting. I kid; I love you,
dolls. Don’t call you dolls? Well, I love you, cunts.)
 |
| Hey, look; a glass ceiling. Neat. |
So how do you accomplish the
aforementioned triumvirate? Food, books,
and chicks, of course! But listen, the
web is filled with a litany of talking-heads spouting their hackneyed
information: “Egg whites have protein, The
Great Gatsby is a great read, Katy Perry is attractive.” Yada, yada, yada. This is all standard, redundant (and at times
even mendacious) bullshit. You don’t
want to hear these same thoughts echoed by the self-proclaimed experts. You want to hear information that is furtive,
arcane, controversial, yet just as, if not more, effective than the status quo. Well, Beastio
Theorio now presents you with foods, reads, and females that are often
overlooked, yet will still leave you a sinewy egghead dripping with jism.
.jpg) |
| You after reading Beastio Theorio |
FOODS
225 lbs. of muscle, steel, and
sex-appeal. You wouldn’t be wrong if
this were the method you chose to describe me.
What fuels this sort of beast?
Over the years I’ve discovered that the diet that works best for me is
as follows:
Mon-Friday: Approximately 45% Protein, 40% Fats, 15%
Carbohydrates
Saturday: Approximately 50% Carbs, 30% Protein, 20%
Fats
Sunday: Approximately 35% Carbs, 35% Protein, 30%
Fats
Approximately 3,200 to 3,800 Calories
a day to maintain bodyweight
So it’s fairly simple. I eat very close to a carnivore during the
weekday, consuming meats which are high in proteins and fats. Saturday is the day where I load up on
carbs. Sunday is an unholy day of rest
where the diet is fairly balanced. I eat
minimal to no dairy (only milk), beans, grain, wheat, gluten, sugar. This sort of diet provides me with the best
balance of size, strength, and moderate body fat.
Here are a few inexpensive foods you
can find at your local supermarket which will help you imitate such a diet.
Chicken Wings
 |
| So many flightless chickens... |
High in protein/fats, low in carbs,
delicious, cheap, and easy to prepare?
Yeah, sounds good to me.
Very rarely do you find a human
being who doesn’t want to gormandize some wings. The good news is that if you’re following a Beastio Theorio approved lifting
program, chicken wings are going to make you a lean and jacked bastard.
Prior to any work shift, I grab a fistful
of these tasty treats, throw them in the microwave oven(or just the microwave
if you’re one impatient and raw motherfucker), wrap them in some aluminum foil,
and then simply feast when hunger beckons.
Hummus
Okay, here’s one for you vegetarians
sitting somber in the corner, saying, “What about lil’ ol’ me?” Well, even though you’re utterly impertinent
to your human biology, I’ll still offer this tip.
Put your xenophobia aside because
hummus is a Middle Eastern spread composed of chickpeas, tahini, olive oil,
lemon juice, salt and garlic. It’s that
simple and absolutely delicious.
Simultaneously it yields a balanced supply of healthy fats, protein, and
unprocessed carb. It is also a clever and easy way to subtly include more calories in your diet.
 |
| What the hell is that? said the 'Murican. |
Mixed Nuts
 |
| Still not as many nuts as my ex-girlfriend has seen |
You can’t spell nutrition without “nut.” Almonds, walnuts, Brazil nuts, cashews,
legumes, filberts, hazelnuts, pecans. What
a multitude of nutritional sluts waiting to hop into your mouth. It doesn’t get simpler than sticking a bag of
these badboys in your backpack, briefcase, or man purse, and then munching on
them throughout the day. Whether you’re
driving, riding a rollercoaster, or having coitus with your ex, nuts are easily
consumed.
High in calories, polyunsaturated
fats, monounsaturated fats, protein, low in carbs, sodium, cholesterol; shit,
how does insalubrious junk like potato chips even exist?
 |
| "Mom! I shit again! Come change me!" |
Berries
 |
| It's fucking berries, what the fuck do you want? |
Berries are good for two scenarios:
1. You are stranded on a desert island 2. You have a carnivorous diet that
flirts with ketosis.
Let me just make clear that I do not
have a ketogenic diet. Ketosis is an
extreme state and, in layman’s terms, it is the attrition of the human
body. Berries are one of the foods that
keep me away from ketosis while simultaneously replenishing my glycogen and
spiking my insulin.
Along with this benefit, berries
will also provide vitamin C and antioxidants for immune support, magnesium,
calcium, folate, potassium, and even flavonoids which have shown to prevent
cancer.
A lot of ninnies like juicing fruits. Shit, I have hands and a mouth, don’t I?
 |
| I think your Flubber is almost done |
Pizza
 |
| Meat on carbs: a microcosm of animals walking on Earth. You must eat the microcosm. |
I think I may be preaching to the
choir when I inform you that you should eat pizza. But listen, when I’m at a week’s end, having
busted my ass with nearly ten workouts, running off low carbohydrates, I need
something loaded with the most macronutrients possible. Go down to your local pizza parlor (do they
still have those?) or supermarket, grab a large meatlovers pizza, go to your
room, lock the doors, and FINISH that thing.
If you’ve been training right, you
won’t feel bloated or insecure, but rather replenished and energized. But remember, you must EARN this right.
 |
| Mother of god... |
BOOKS
There is only one statistic which eclipses
the number of women I’ve charmed, weights I’ve harmed, and small children I’ve
alarmed; that statistic is the number of books I have read.
That’s right; the Supervillain has
been a bibliophile for nearly a decade.
That is why he knows the word “bibliophile.”
 |
| No, you beldam. |
I’ve read many classics by many
greats and I feel like I’ve discussed my favorites numerous times in
public. Joyce, Huxley, Shakey, Hemingway, Fante, Proust, Wolfe, Heller, Camus, Fitzgerald, yes yes yes.
That’s all fine and dandy. But
what about some of my personal favorites that remain unmentioned by the
literary elite? What about the great words
penned which remain on the dusty shelves of out-of-business bookstores? Well, allow me to exhume some of these from
their unjustified graves.
Pan by Knut Hamsun
Sure, Hamsun was a Nazi
sympathizer. Sure, he has much more popular
and acclaimed works. Sure, I purchased a
1956 printing of this novel for $.99 in a used book store. None of this affects the beauty of language,
emotion, and nature Hamsun manages to convey.
 |
| And he never did lose those glasses |
I had no expectations as I began
reading this book, which I presume made the read so much more delightful. Truthfully, Pan is one of the simplest books I’ve read. It comes in at under 200 pages and is no more
than the story of a man who lives in solitude in nature, named Glahn, who falls
in love with a young girl.
This is an excellent read for any
naturalists, aesthetes, and lovers of magniloquent sentences.
Artaud
Anthology by Antonin
Artaud
 |
| Our reader. |
Think of the craziest shit you’ve
ever read. Got it? Well, Artaud
Anthology will knock that over the head with a billyclub as it walks
through a park at night, skin it, bind it to the furnace in a basement with its
own skin, impregnate it, take the child nine months later, raise it into adolescence,
then skin the child and sew the skin back onto the original, skinless birth
giver.
Antonin Artuad was insane. Literally insane. And I know how to properly use the word “literally.” I mean just look at the French bastard; what
a gaunt, haggard, neurotic, tortured specimen.
TRUE STORY: Antonin Artaud was on a
ship to the United States. More than
half-way through the trip, the course had to be reversed back to France
because, get this, ARTAUD WAS THOUGHT TO BE SO MENTALLY DISTURBED THAT
RETURNING HIM HOME AND INTO A MENTAL INSTITUTE WAS DEEMED A GREATER PRIORITY
THAN GETTING THE PASSENGERS TO THEIR DESTINATION.
Antonin Artaud also wrote several
stage plays; y’know, pieces which would have to be performed live by actors,
back in the early 1900’s. Artaud would
hand these plays over to directors and the directors would soon realize that the
pieces demanded, get this, TORNADOES, WOMEN OOZING SCORPIONS, PRIESTS
TRANSFORMING INTO BABIES, ARMAGGEDON, LIMBS AND BREASTS FALLING OFF, AND
BLEEDING SKIES.
I am not kidding; this is literally
an insane man writing and somehow some of it exists for the public to see. Go see it.
Also, get very, very drunk and start reading this book out loud.
 |
| Okay, let's just move on... |
My
World and Welcome to It by James
Thurber
James Thurber is the funniest
motherfucker who has yet to make you laugh.
A writer and cartoonist for The
New Yorker, Thurber is especially refreshing in an age where humor has detached
itself from intellect and craftsmanship, and relies heavily on scatology and
hangovers.
While some may consider Thurber’s
comedy a bit too highbrow or pretentious, well, too bad, he, nor I, intended to
cater solely to the lay man. While his
education is evident, Thurber led a fairly innocuous, middle-class life with a
wife and friends, like most do. Thurber’s
stories are grounded and corporeal, ranging from a man intentionally sabotaging
a dinner party, to college professors playing word games with a Russian
Roulette twist, to a woman who is an avid mystery novel fan picking up
Shakespeare for the first time and attempting to solve the various
murders. Hilarious.
 |
| Oh, okay. |
The
Daring Young Man on the Flying Trapeze
by William Saroyan
William Saroyan had a rough
life. He was in debt until he was near
death. He was publicly derided by, I
imagine an intoxicated, Ernest Hemingway.
And he made the fatal mistake of marrying the same woman twice. However, at the age of 18, William Saroyan relocated
from Armenia to Los Angles and penned the greatest short-story collection I
have read thus far.
The 18 year old Saroyan lived alone
in penury during the Depression era. He
knew he wanted to write, yet he was so young that he didn’t yet understand what
professional writing was. Never has this
worked in someone’s favor as it did for Saroyan. Daring
Young…presents the writings of a fiery, impetuous, Pickwickian youth
attempting simultaneously to understand his overwhelming surroundings and his
own burgeoning identity.
 |
| "I don't know why the fuck I married her twice." |
Seven
Plays by Sam Shepard
Okay, okay, I
know what the general public wants: drama.
Well, Sam Shepard is the man to deliver it. The plays in this collection include themes
of sibling rivalries, incest, adultery, rape, jealousy, and murder. All of this is set in surreal, desolate locations
that seem to be uncorrelated to any reality.
The language is simple and barely
literary. But like I said, Shepard knows
how to appeal to our perverse and visceral subconscious which is susceptible to
morbid curiosity and schadenfreude. A
quick, captivating, and bizarre read which examines the human condition in its
most abject states.
CHICKS
You
know, even the Supervillain can’t snag an able-bodied and consenting female
subject every day. On these days he has
to resort to raising his natural testosterone levels by gazing at some of the
finest female figures in the public eye.
I know many of you need something to kickstart the man-machines down south
before an intense training session. You
do this long enough and eventually you deplete your supply of fresh faces (Are
you really looking at their faces?)
Well, allow me to provide you some new material to evoke the beast germinating
within you. The only criteria for these
women were as follows: not well known and not a pornstar. Only because if you can easily watch cocaine
numbed cocks thrust into her orifices, it sort of spoils the mystique of true
yearning and desire.
Okay,
I’ll load the following with pictures and try to keep my mouth shut as much as
possible.
Christina Hendricks
 |
| I don't even... |
Simply put, my ideal woman. A REAL woman.
Ample in all the places that matter; all the places which are being
emaciated by many modern women. And also
a redhead. I’ve always said that redheads
have the highest odds of being a visual wreck.
HOWEVER, when a redhead is put together correctly, there is no
competition with women of other follicle hues.
(I know a couple of you females from my past would like to take credit
over my fascination with redheads. Get
over yourselves; I attribute it to neither of you.)
 |
| See? It's okay to look. |
Alenka Bikar
Cue “datass.jpg.” An Olympic runner whose frontside I could
tell you nothing about. And the more
images you see of her you realize that the cameramen couldn’t tell you either.
 |
| She could be headless. I don't fucking know |
AJ Lee
 |
| Well isn't that just adorable. |
A 25 year-old wrestling diva with
the charm and appeal of a 16 year-old.
What more could you perverts ask for?
 |
| Well isn't that just oh holy shit... |
Zuzana Light
 |
| I know it's not what you're thinking about but why was she wearing that shirt? |
Best known for her Bodyrock series
of exercise instructionals. I have seen
many of her videos. I have learned
nothing. I have a notion that she is
somewhat unqualified and her knowledge of fitness is lacking. I shall file no complaint, however.
 |
| Not even a fucking exercise. Utterly irrelevant however. |
Kat Dennings
 |
| Practically on display. |
A young, thickly assembled, oddly foxy
Jewish chick with an ineffable sense of prurience. Know what I mean?
 |
| You know very well that your shirt is seductively unbuttoned. |
Well, there you go. I can only hope that you are full, well-read,
and furiously masturbating at this point.
If so, the world is a much better and wetter place.
-Sameer
Saklani
No comments:
Post a Comment