Just got back from a successful day
of work. As I’ve disclosed before, I
work as a salesman of supplements. What
does success as a supplement salesman entail?
It means I’m affluent, bitch!
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| How I felt today |
Yes, I am a huckster of
supplements. But I will tell you quite
frankly that most supplements are bullshit.
Let it be known that supplement companies are rapacious allegorists who
can make unfounded claims (since they are not subject to any supervised
testing) and then rely on your nescience to provide them with money. In my store, I have a few tried and tested
products that I like to sell religiously.
The truth is that what works has been known to work for years. Anything beyond the basics is a marketing
ploy.
Now I’ve already discussed
supplements in previous articles, found HERE and HERE.
But the truth is that there seems to be an unfounded fixation upon
supplementation. Supplements are not
what build strong and skilled athletes; those are forged by hard work, an
inexorable will, and intelligent programming.
I am sorry if I am shattering your languid dreams of becoming quickly
and conveniently jacked. However, the
least I can do is prevent you from squandering your money on nothing more than
colored gas and sophistry. So now I will
quickly line up nearly every sort of supplement extant, firing squad style, and
tell you what you should give a try and what needs a bullet through its head.
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| Fyodor Dostoyevsky was part of a mock execution via firing squad. This incident forever provided him with more psychological despondency than being Russian already does. |
Multivitamin
It’s shocking how many people spend
hundreds on supplements but don’t take a multivitamin. No, multivitamins are not going to put 50
lbs. on your bench overnight or give you striations on your ass. But the truth is that it is very difficult to
make any sort of physical gains when your body is deficient in micronutrients.
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| It's difficult to find interesting photos of supplements. So here's a painting by Max Ernst of the Virgin Mary chastising baby Jesus. |
Just find a multi that has a solid
A-Z profile. A lot of multis now add
superfluous amino or joint or energy or muscle shield or etc. blends. However, that’s just another way to try and
differentiate their product from others.
Usually the potency of these blends is so minor that it’s virtually
insignificant. Also try to stay away
from one-a-days and wax coated multis.
Protein Powders
Listen, protein is just
protein. If your diet does not meet your
protein requirements, then sure, supplement it with a powder. Just don’t expect any more out of it than you
would a chicken breast. Isolate,
concentrate, hydrolyzed, anabolic window, it’s all bullshit. They all have veritably the same absorption
rate and effect in the body.
When buying, just be sure not to
overspend for something so simple. Stay
away from Optimum Nutrition, Cellucor, BSN, Cytosport, and other companies
bodybuilding.com likes to cause a ballyhoo over.
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| Here's a crazy alternative option |
Mass Gainers
Now we’re talking. Mass Gainers may be the crux of my
supplementation. As someone who tries to
put in 10-12 training sessions a week and trains with the intensity of a bull
in a room full of menstruating women, I need my macronutrients, and I need a
lot of them. Lean protein powders just
don’t do it for me anymore. I’m tired of
people saying “Bro, you’ve got plenty of mass already.” Taking mass gainers has no correlation with
mass gain being absolutely necessitated. If
anything, I need mass gainers to maintain current strength/size levels. If I wanted, I’m sure I could cut weight
while taking mass gainers.
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| Fuck bitches. Accumulate mass. |
Again, when buying, just look at how
many macronutrients you’re being provided and consider the price per
serving. Gainers worth buying are MHP’s
Up Your Mass, Muscle Med’s Carnivor Mass, and Ultimate Nutrition’s IsoMass and
Muscle Juice.
Amino Acids
Maybe one of the greatest supplement
tricks played on mankind. I can’t
believe people actually spend money on this.
Here’s a suggestion: whatever
money you plan on spending on amino acids, spend it on protein instead. That or a brain transplant, you ninny. PROTEIN IS MADE OF AMINO ACIDS. Have you noticed that when you look at the
amino acid profile on protein supplements, the grams of aminos always matches
the grams of protein? Why would you
spend money for something that is a part of a whole? And I swear, if I hear another person tell me
that “glutamine is essential for recovery”, I’m going to do something which
they never recover from. Glutamine is
the most abundant amino in you at the moment.
Considering your natural body’s production and a sound diet, you could
be getting anywhere from 20-30 grams of glutamine a day.
In summation, no amino acid product
is worth a buy.
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| And that's how aminos were sold |
Creatine
Haven’t you heard? Creatine drops nuclear bombs on your liver
and kidneys, hides under your bed at night, and also fucked your mother,
impregnated her, and made her get an abortion.
 | ||
| Creatine |
I don’t know how creatine
accumulated so many myths about itself.
This basic supplement has more mythology surrounding it than
Nessie. Simply put, all creatine does is
increase your bodies supply of available ATP (energy.) This means more explosive strength, quicker
recovery, and increased endurance and brain function. No creatine is not just water. No creatine doesn’t turn to fat once you stop
using it.
Just buy the rudimentary micronized
creatine monohydrate. Stay away from HCL
or Kre-Alkalyn or whatever other unproven hybrid they’ve created to try and purloin
the fame from monohydrate. Also, pay no
mind to anything that preaches about “pH” or anything that “drives creatine
into muscle cells.” It’s all just
facetious science.
Testosterone Boosters
This one I’ve already gone into
detail on. In short, nothing beside
anabolic steroids is going to DIRECTLY increase testosterone. However, lifting heavy and ejaculating all
over the place will. That’s why
testosterone boosters are designed to make you more aggressive and increase
your libido. I don’t know about you but
I don’t feel it necessary to pay $100 to lift and fornicate big.
With age I can see how a test
booster would serve a purpose. Other
than that, you youngsters don’t need it.
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| My thoughts on test boosters |
HGH Boosters
Let me preface by saying that an HGH
(Human Growth Hormone) booster is NOT a required buy. However, I was provided with a giftcard and I
figured that I would give HGH Up by Applied Nutriceuticals a shot. What I liked about this product is that on
their official website they have a nearly 10 page study done on the
product. While it doesn’t intrinsically
make the product legitimate, it was refreshing to see something other than appellations
emblazon on a label declaring “ANABOLIC” or “NANO-PHYSICS” or whatever hollow
proclamation.
Upon taking this product, I did
notice a greater increase in appetite and more efficient sleep cycles. Again, not necessarily attributing this to
the product, but recently I’ve seen one of the bigger increases in strength,
size, and leanness that I can recall.
Take it with a grain of salt. Or
pepper, whatever, I’m no fascist.
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| HGH will have you eating anything you can get your hands on. And now I can't stop posting McKayla Maroney. |
Fat Burners/Thermogenics
As I’ve said before, cutting/leaning
out is one of the easiest aspects of health.
As long as you understand the basic concept of heart rate and don’t have
some sort of perverse, twisted connection to food, you’ll be fine. Gaining strength is what is difficult. Nothing guarantees that you will get
stronger. It’s absolutely mentally
exhausting. It’s the sort of stuff that
envelops your thoughts. Even if you do
everything properly, one star doesn’t align correctly and you miss that
lift. With cutting, you put in the basic
work and you’ll get your decadent desire fulfilled.
You can lean out without any assistance
of a thermogenic. All thermogenics aim
to serve the same purpose: provide enough stimulants to boost your metabolism
(Oxyelite Pro.) Once in a while you’ll
see a product grasp the connection between the CNS/mood hormones and fat loss
(Super HD.) If you want to spend the
money, go ahead. Or just put in the work
instead.
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| If you don't know anything about Nero, go ahead and google him and then call out from work |
Pre-workout
Also already discussed in
length. You’re deluded if you think pre-workout
supplements are anything other than powdered fat-burners with added creatine
and arginine/citruline. It’s also no coincidence
that pre-workout aficionados are generally small and weak. Spend your money on calories instead and quit
relying on pixie dust to convince you to get in the gym.
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| The choice is yours: Lift big or take pre-workouts |
Fish Oil/Omegas
I know fish oil purports claims of
circulatory support, brain health, fat loss, skin elasticity, increased
testosterone, increased dick size and laser vision. I don’t know about all that. What I can say is that I’ve noticed that fish
oil keeps my joints from impersonating the tin man, it abates inflammation
after injuries, and it assists in recovery.
If you feel you need aid in those areas, by all means, pop a few grams
of fishoil a day. Remember, it isn’t the
overall dosage of the capsule that is salient; make sure to verify the EPA/DHA
content.
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| Not even George W. would want its oil |
That about covers them all. If I’ve forgotten one, then chances are that
it’s some fancyschmancy form of bullshit.
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| Testosterone raised |
-Sameer
Saklani
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