Let’s have a joke to start. Have you heard the one about the 12 inch
pianist? No? Ah, nevermind, it’s just a silly gag.
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| Neil Armstrong has passed. While the news is indeed moribund, now the moon is free from his tyrannical dictatorship and is up for grabs. |
By now, we have thoroughly
established what the Beastio Theorio
lifestyle entails; to lift heavier than an octomom who has her children trapped
under a truck, to eat like a paleolithic savage who has discovered gluttony, and to
read like Anne Frank behind a bookcase, with nothing but time to kill. But I understand that not many of us have a
surplus of free time to simply eat, lift, and read all day; life is a demanding
bastard, surfeit with constant compulsory tasks. Many of the readers may be going to school
full time or working full time or even both.
But these are not excuses to allow yourself to be a languid lout. I’ve been to school, I’ve held jobs, I’ve had
hobbies, I’ve had the intangibles purloin my time, but that hasn’t stopped me
from being 230 lbs. of brawn and brain.
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| The ladies are provided with reading material while they await my entrance |
If
your time and money are sparse, don’t you fret.
Beastio Theorio will now
provide you with quick and cheap ways to eat, lift, and read big. What’s your excuse going to be after this,
punk?
Food
We’ve all heard the clichés of
college students surviving on a diet of ramen and PBR. They claim that they don’t have the time to
eat properly and must subject themselves to eating insalubrious crap because it’s
easily accessible. But then you turn
around and see them dropping five bucks on frappe mocha latte bullshit or a
drink at a club. Well listen, you hipsters
and ninnies, refrain from self-pity and an abhorrent diet. Take a trip to the grocery store and pick up
some of the following.
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| If you try hard enough, you too can be a hipster, liberal, vegan college goer. Just stock up on PBR and Cliff bars. |
(Let me preface by saying that to
some extent, macronutrients are macronutrients.
A protein, carb, or fat is going to be absorbed the same despite its
source. And in college or while working,
we can’t be picky.)
Bananas
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| My allusion is too esoteric for you |
I
did the math one day and found that for the same price of a Taco Bell Taco
Supreme ($1.29), you can get anywhere from 6-8 bananas. So try to avoid your late-night inebriated
trip to the drive-thru.
Bananas are convenient and the cheapest
of the fruits. They also yield nearly
one hundred calories per banana, some necessary dietary fiber, and a variety of
vitamins and minerals.
Ground Meat
This should be a staple in your
diet. Ground beef, chicken, turkey, and
pork. I generally pick up 3-4 lbs. of a
couple of the aforementioned meats to last me a week. One of the trays is always beef. Ground meat is easy to prepare, yields plenty
of protein and fat, and costs approximately $2.00 per lbs.
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| Just some beef on the ground |
Frozen Pizza
A couple days ago, following a
brutal squat/deadlift session, I took a trip down to my local grocery
store. There I was able to pick up two
Totino’s pizzas and a personal-sized milk for LESS THAN $4.00. Get this, EACH Totino’s pizza yielded 750
calories, 40 grams of fat, 70 grams of carbs, and 24 grams of protein. You do the math, including the milk, and you
realize that you’ve got approximately 2,000 calories, 100 grams of fat, 160
grams of carbs, 70 grams of protein for less than $4.00. All macros properly utilized if you’ve been
putting work in at the gym.
Not to mention you’ve only got to
turn on the oven, toss those badboys in, hit the shower, and they’re ready less
than half an hour later.
Eggs
Again, cheap, easy to prepare, and
great source of fat, protein, and vitamins.
You can get two dozen eggs for around $5.00. And be sure to eat the yolks, faggots. They exceed the albumen in importance.
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| What came first: the chicken or the egg? Wrong, the selfish lover. |
Mixed Vegetables
I hear you veggies whining. Boy, I’m telling you, these vegetarians are
EVERYWHERE these days; in the trees, in the bushes…well, mostly those places.
Pick up a bag of frozen mixed
veggies for about $4.50 if you’re worried about the lack of color in your diet.
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| Seems about right |
Rice-a-roni
Another cheap source of carbs and
calories. A 6.4 oz. box only costs $1.00
and yields nearly 900 calories and 120 grams of carbs. Hell, mix in your ground meat for a complete
muscle building meal.
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| The real San Francisco treat |
Supplementation
Get
your protein through your diet. Other
than that, all you need is a multivitamin and some basic creatine monohydrate. You can get SportPharma Multi-V for $8.99 (6
week supply) and Optimum Micronized Creatine for $5.99(month supply.)
Sample Grocery List for the Week (Prices
Approximated)
2
lbs. Bananas-$1.40
4
lbs. Ground Beef-$8.50
4
lbs. Ground Turkey-$8.00
5
Tortino’s Pizzas-$6.00
2
dozen Eggs-$5.00
1
bag Mixed Veggies-$4.50
5
boxes Rice-a-roni-$5.00
Supplementation(Adjusted
for Price per Week)-$3.75
TOTAL-$42.15
There you go; for only approximately
$40.00 a week you can be a sinewy, strong savage. No reason to be flabby or gaunt in class or
at work.
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| This man claims to eat only one meal a day |
Lifting Program
Whether it’s a paper due or a
deadline at work or class/work was just too damn stressful, you just can’t seem
to make it to the gym. Bullshit. You need to get to the point where you don’t
have to make time for the gym, but instead it’s simply another necessitated
part of your daily routine. Below I will
provide a sample lifting program that will make you strong and shredded and
only requires FOUR HOURS A WEEK. Just
four hours, people. One hour per
workout. Think of all the time you
squander on Facebook or television or partying.
Four hours is only half a work shift.
Four hours is the same as one class per week. You have four hours to spare and you know
it. So now do THIS:
(Needless
to say, the majority of the time, approximately 45 minutes, will be spent doing
the main lifts. The accessories should
be done with moderate weight and very short rests between sets.)
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| Eric Lillibridge has a 2.204 lbs. total and trains heavy only twice a week |
Monday
Bench
Press-Volume day. Pick a number of sets,
number of reps, a weight, and do it.
6x4, 5x5, 3x6, 8x2, 12x1, whatever.
Squat-Work
up to a weight and do that weight to a set that nears failure.
Upper
Back Accessory-Chin-ups or Face-pulls or Close Grip Lat Pull Downs. 3 sets, 12-15 reps.
Triceps
Pushdowns-3 sets, 12-20 reps
Tuesday
Overhead
Press-Volume. Same rules for the
abovementioned bench apply.
Front
Squats-3-6 sets, 2-6 reps.
Rear-Delt
Raises-2 sets, 10-15 reps
Cable
Rows-2 sets, 10-15 reps
Hamstring
Curls-2 sets, 20 reps
Wednesday
OFF
Thursday
Bench
Press-Work up to a weight and do a set that nears failure. Same concept as Monday’s squatting.
Close
Grip Bench Press-2 sets, 5-10 reps
Squat-Volume
day. The rules have been established.
Incline
Bench Press- 2 sets, 6-12 reps
Friday
Squat-Work
with about 50% of your max. Do 5-8 sets
of triples. Light form work.
Deadlift-Work
up to a weight and do either 8 singles, 5 doubles, or 3 triples.
Stiff-Legged
Deadlift-2 sets, 3-5 reps
Pendlay
Rows-5 sets, 5 reps
And
that’s all, folks. That is all that is
required of you. And before you bother
me with it, do your precious core whenever you see fit.
Reads
The last thing a full-time worker or
especially a college student wants to do is read in their leisure time. But it’s like ol’ Samuel Clemens said, you
shouldn’t let schooling interfere with your education. Keep that mind active and impress rooms
filled with busty, lusty chicks with your giant, throbbing intellect. Here are some very quick reads that you can
pick up in between class, during a lunch break, or while you’re waiting for your
fap material to download.
e.e. cummings
All lower case when you spell the
man’s name. Nothing reads quicker than
poetry (sans T.S. Eliot), especially when that poet is e.e. cummings. Many people don’t like, or better yet, understand
Cummings. I tell you what, you write for
a decade and I assure you that you’ll understand Cummings.
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| I would not expect any other signature from e.e. |
e.e. was simply tired of the
hackneyed and repressed poetry being produced.
Cummings’ works are a reprieve, a way to cut through the dung, for the
child embodiment of poesy to be set free again.
He relinquishes the formal and technical in favor of the audible and the
visual aspect of writing. e.e. Cummings
is like spending the night with a promiscuous, red-headed harlot after you’ve
been married to a Puritan woman for a decade.
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| Set myself up for this |
The
Stranger by Albert Camus
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| I give you one guess at his nationality |
Not only is The Stranger one of literature’s most poignant and revealing examination
of human life, it is also hilarious. The
sheer absurdity of life and its components becomes so inundating that
eventually you can’t help but guffaw at the superficial sadness.
At around 150 pages and written with
great terseness and brevity, The Stranger
is an essential read for any busybody.
If anything, it’ll put things in perspective and help you lighten up.
Dubliners by James Joyce
We all want to be Joyce scholars but
we simply can’t become a veritable recluse and spend all day/night vivisecting the
complexity that is James Joyce. The good
news is that Joyce accomplished what I believe is the greatest literary
stylistic progression. So while his
final work, Finnegan’s Wake, was a
nearly indecipherable portrayal of a dream state written in an invented
language, Joyce’s first work, Dubliners,
is equally as straight-forward and grounded.
Also, it is a collection of short-stories, which will allow you to
compartmentalize your reading.
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| Joyce midway a seven hour long song, I presume |
Li-Bao
Want a catharsis from the drudgery
and demand of school and work? Want to
read about capricious drunkenness, the awe-inspiring sights of nature, and the
philosophy of simplicity? Well, it seems
like you should read the works of ancient Chinese poet, Li-Bao, who, legend has
it, drunkenly leapt into the reflection of a full moon on a lake’s
surface. Pure poetry.
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| No real picture of Li Bao exists. So here's Tera Patrick. |
The
Doors of Perception by Aldous
Huxley
Can you think of more of an escape
from worldly existence than doing a copious amount of hallucinogens? While Aldous Huxley does have more
well-crafted and significant works (Brave
New World, Point Counter Point, Island, The Perennial Philosophy) Doors…is his most brief and singular in
terms of subject matter. Doors…is simply the eloquent account of
a brilliant mind (both intellectually and in regards to literary skill) using
the medium of hallucinogens to determine the veracity of life unobstructed by
social constructs and personal bias.
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| Self-portrait by Huxley |
The
Complete Works of William Shakespeare
No, no, I jest.
Other
quick and purgative reads which I’ve already discussed: Antonin Artaud, James Thurber, The Saga of Arturo Bandini and The Wine of Youth by John Fante, The Big Hunger by William Saroyan,
everything by Charles Bukowski
There you go, you neurotic,
stressed, indolent denizens of the world.
There is no longer any reason to live life weak and stupid.
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| Physically fit and I assume intelligent because she has glasses on |
-Sameer
Saklani
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