Since Beastio Theorio is still in its infantile stages, I’ve been trying
to market the dignity out of it. Most of
the people I have advised to visit the blog are amateur or novice lifters. I’ve recommended this blog as a launching pad
for their journey of becoming goddamn Adonises.
However, I think I may have jumped the gun a bit. I just realized that whatever novice lifter
visits this blog is going to be accosted by pontifications of the philosophy of
lifting, a mockery of those who are not educated in health culture, a prolix
podcast discussing advanced peaking programs, and an instructional article on
how to activate one’s glutes. Honestly, the novice lifter may not even know what a glute is. What is that, a fucking gay flute or something?
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| A "Glute" |
The point is that while we, the
creators of Beastio Theorio, may have
been ensconced in the strength field for years, the new reader has not. The things that interest my partner and I are
radical, obtuse, and quite frankly, information that should be progressed
towards.
So here we go, backtracking at its
finest. This article is about
strength. Simple, straight-forward, lift
some heavy weight, get big, get jacked, strength. The benefits of strength training are
exorbitant. No matter what your physical
goal is, having strength as your base is going to aid you in your quest. Obviously if you want to put on muscle, gain
size (as many of our male readers may want), you’ve got to lift heavy and
utilize big, compound movements.
Compound movements are going to release growth hormones that doing faggy
bicepcurls in the squat rack will not.
Want to lean out and burn fat instead, as many of our few female readers
may want. Nothing is more taxing and exhausting
than the compound lifts. Putting on lean
muscle is going to increase your natural metabolic rate and will make you a veritable
calorie and fat burning furnace.
Now nothing is bigger and more
compound than the fantastic four of lifting: THE SQUAT, THE BENCH PRESS, THE
DEADLIFT, and THE OVERHEAD STRICT PRESS.
I’ll now convey to you what has worked for me and what has not worked in
regards to increasing my main lifts. So now
a presentation only about strength. And
I promise I will not turn this into some allegory about how Quan Duc was able
to commit self-immolation without even flinching.
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| More composed while burning alive than you are in rush hour traffic. |
THE STRICT OVERHEAD PRESS
I’ll begin with this lift first
because in this epoch it is treated with much impudence. In this day and western world, everyone
insists on inquiring how much you bench.
It wasn’t long ago that the overhead press was the king of the upper body
lifts. In fact, it was rare that any
powerlifter would even perform the bench press.
Entire events, meets, and championships were centered around the
overhead press. However, through sly
marketing and implanting the notion that the overhead press was potentially
injurious to the lumbar area, slowly the bench press maneuvered its way into
the trifecta of powerlifts. While a vague
and flickering palimpsest of the overhead still exists in professional
competition, it is quickly becoming a fourth wheel in a world that insists on
riding a tricycle for some odd reason.
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| Ken Patera, 472 lbs Overhead Press: More impressive than your college degree or teen pregnancy; whichever you decided upon. |
However, if you want to build some
fantastic upperbody development, look like a goddamn revolutionary in your
innocuous gym, and simultaneously accrue some serious shoulder, triceps,
upperback, and core strength, I strictly advise you do this lift.
Let me discuss the aesthetic reasons
first. In my opinion, nothing creates a
more pleasing upperbody than a pair of wide, rounded shoulders, topped off with
some towering traps. Forget about
pectorals that obtrude an entire foot past your face. Forget about the nearly vestigial biceps. I have never received more compliments about
my physique until after I instituted overhead press as a major part of my
program. (Albeit these compliments were
mostly from men. What’s wrong with you,
ladies? Stop fawning over some 135 lbs.
boy who has a peanutbrittle six pack and begin to recognize true hard work.)
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| Like tits on a fat chick. |
So what’s benefited my overhead the
most? Well, it’s this Russian peaking
program I just completed: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_f8efscPc4NU/Re5JGH5EOFI/AAAAAAAAADk/1zAuHy3Fc6o/s1600-h/Russian+Bench+Program.bmp
It is a nine week program which
ultimately increased my overhead by 15 lbs.
That may not sound like a lot, but trust me, for this lift and in that
short of time, it is. Essentially the
secret to have a respectable overhead is frequency. The best way to up your numbers is to keep
hammering this lift. On this program,
you are performing the overhead two days a week (one heavy session and one
recovery session with 80% of your max.)
Hammer the form for this lift; that’s
what will benefit you most. Keep the
shoulder accessories basic and at moderate weight. Seated dumbbell press, standing single arm dumbbell
press, and the infamous Klokov Press should be the accessory exercises you
consider. Also remember to hit the
upperback with chin-ups, facepulls, and rear-delt flys.
This lift is as raw as it gets. You couldn’t possibly gear up for it. Man up, get a powerful looking upperbody, and
do this lift.
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| Military press in application. |
THE SQUAT
The squat is
widely considered the cornerstone of powerlifting. It is a primal movement pattern and should be
a major part of everyone’s lifting program.
A quick appeal to the ladies: all females should be squatting as much as
possible. Only good will come of
it. It will shape and sculpt the glutes,
thighs, quads, core, hamstrings; essentially every area the female wants to be
appealing and every area the male wants to gawk it.
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| I don't care about your earrings, your nailpolish, your necklace, your shoes, your hairstyle. Just do this. |
As for males, quit neglecting the
lower body and walking around in skinny jeans that expose your utter lack of
development down south. A pair of
chicken legs is emasculating and should be a matter of ignominy. If you want to emit a sense of power,
explosiveness, and sexual prowess, get a pair of tree trunk legs and strut while
quaking the earth.
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| Complete with the thrusting power of a gentle Spring breeze. |
For the longest time I hated the squat. I began lifting as a gangly teen, so the
mechanics of the squat were awkward; my femurs felt too long, my torso felt too
short, and frankly I felt that the squat was unnecessary. The truth is, even if your primary concern is
to develop a big upperbody, there certain growth hormones that can only be
released by squatting.
The way I overcame my form issues
with the squat is primarily through box squatting. For about a year I only box squatted. I squatted twice a week; one day very light
to focus primarily on form and explosiveness, and one day heavy. After I switched from box squatting to free
squatting, the form seemed to manifest naturally.
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| Not a box squat. |
Squat form is going to vary for
every single person and there is no correct form. It is something you’ll have to discover
yourself. However, what I can tell you
is that nearly every novice lifter is weak in their posterior chain. Make sure to do plenty of hamstring, glute,
and core work. Stiff-leg deadlifts,
goodmornings, lunges, glute-ham raises, dumbbell snatches, and kettlebell
swings are the accessory lifts I utilized to correct this weakness.
Simply put, to be strong, you have
to move weight. The squat is the
exercise which will allow you to move the most net weight.
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| Captain Kirk, sans the Shatner. |
THE BENCH PRESS
Fucking hell. As much as it pains me, I suppose I have to
acknowledge this lift. How could I not? It is the single most popular gym exercise. Except for maybe chicks fruitlessly toiling
at moderate pace on cardio equipment.
(Sorry, I still can’t overcome the fact that females actually devote
time to cardio rather than squatting.)
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| Let me just reiterate. |
Honestly, I didn’t bench for the
longest time. I have an 80 inch reach,
so the distance from chest to lockout is like the distance a man with an
erection must stand from the toilet seat.
Also, I was competing in combat sports, so the bench served no
mechanical purpose. You wouldn’t believe
how many proponents of the bench press, people with no fighting experience,
insisted that the bench press transfers into throwing a punch. Scott Mendelson benches over a thousand
pounds (suited to hell like he’s attending a fucking wedding, wake, and job
interview all at once.) According to
their theory, in a boxing match, he’d send me flying out of the ring and into
the high rafters, where I fall into the lap of some broke bastard in the cheap
seats. Yeah, let’s set that fight up and
see how it goes.
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| Yep, the look of every successful pugilist. |
But recently I decided that I may as
well have a respectable bench. I know I
won’t be breaking any records in the lift, but hell, I don’t want high-school
kids out-benching me and taking all the high-school girls. Here’s what I have learned while increasing
my bench:
1.
Form, form, form. Get your form down. This isn’t an article about form but form is key
for this lift. Learn how to utilize leg
drive, retract your shoulders, create a lower back arch, tuck your elbows, grip
the hell out of the bar, and PAUSE ON THE CHEST. If you are not exhausted and if your ENTIRE
body is not stressed after a set of bench, you aren’t doing it right.
2.
Hammer
the hell out of triceps. Do closegrip
bench, tricep extensions, rope pushdowns, lockouts, and dips.
3.
Bottom
position pin presses were most likely what benefited me the most. It helps you build explosive strength out of
your sticking point.
4.
Make
sure you’re hitting the back as much as the anterior. Develop your lats and upperback.
5.
There
is no such thing as chest strength. Focus on learning how to contract the chest;
that’s about it.
6.
Oddly
enough, stronger shoulders did not increase my bench. Go figure. Most likely because I bench fairly closegripped. Depending on your grip/form, your primary movers will differ.
7.
There is a significant difference in upper
body density when you are benching compared to when you are not.
You
know, I believe most people’s dislike towards a lift originates from the fact
that they are not naturally good at it; they know they will have to put in work. But honestly, as soon as you commit to
working at it, and as soon as you see progression, you’ll warm up to the lift.
And
if you are thinking about competing in powerlifting meets, bench can many times
be salient in determining a victor. Take
a look at Stan Efferding and Konstantin Konstantinovs; two of the top
powerlifters of the day. Efferding
essentially squats K.K’s deadlift and K.K deadlifts Efferding’s squat. But what sets the two apart is that Efferding
has approximately a 70 lbs higher bench than K.K simply because, to put bluntly,
K.K doesn’t seem to work as diligently at the bench. (I mean, I know he does bench nearly everyday and I've even seen him bench near 600 lbs. touch and go. However, I am assuming due to injury, now he settles putting up low 500 lbs. benches in competition. The weight generally flies up and leaves the crowd confounded as to why he won't attempt more.)
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| K.K. Bench Press: Close grip, no arch, minimal leg drive. Not a single fuck was given. |
DEADLIFT
Ah, the deadlift. Eschewed as pernicious by the pussies and
embraced by the brave as a true test of strength. It doesn’t get much simpler than having a
heavy ass weight on the ground, bound by gravity, and then picking it up.
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| K.K in his element. Still no fucks are given. |
There isn’t any other exercise which
works more of the body than the deadlift; hamstrings, glutes, quads, thighs,
core, lumbar, hips, back, traps, shoulders, forearms, all are being utilized
when performing the deadlift. The
deadlift was always my “go to” exercise when I wanted to hush a gym room. What impressed the amateurs most was being
able to pull 350 lbs. with one hand.
Their nesciences of lifting made them surmise that surely two-handed I
would be able to pull double that amount.
Simply science.
There are more variants of form to
the deadlift compared to any other lift.
What’s the best one? Whatever
allows you to move the most weight safely.
It is common to experiment for years with your form until you find the
most proficient one. Truthfully, no accessory
lift is going to help your deadlift more than discovering your form and
executing it CONSISTENTLY. But despite
that, the squadron of accessory lifts I’ve used for my deadlift consists of
stiff-leg deadlifts, deficit deadlifts, rack pulls, goodmornings, and a high
volume of bodybuilding style back work.
In regards to frequency, I have
gotten away with long layoffs from deadlifting without my numbers
regressing. And I mean LONG layoffs;
sometimes close to a year. Now I’m not
saying this is recommended if you want your deadlift to increase, but what I am
saying is that you most likely do not need to do this lift as much as the
others. There are accounts out there of
big deadlifters who performed the lift every day of the week. There are many more accounts of lifters who
will not even perform the lift until a few weeks out from a competition. The choice is yours.
Not convinced that you want to
deadlift? Well, according to Jon Pal
Sigmarsson, four times World’s Strongest Man winner, “There is no reason to be
alive if you can’t do deadlift!”
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| Jon Pal Sigmarsson; ironically, not alive. |
So if your goal is to be a person
who is capable of impressive corporeal acts, who harbors a strength that can be
unleashed at any instance, who walks breeding jealousy into the hearts of
aesthetes and athletes, you need to follow a program that is built around The
Fantastic Four.
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| No, not these fags. |
(To see an example of how to integrate these lifts into a routine, venture HERE.)
-Sameer
Saklani
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